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Dependence and independence. How to find a balance?

Published: March 1, 2024

Those who cannot step without outside help are called infantile and slightly despised. Those who categorically do not accept sympathy and support, consider pupils and proud people. Both are unhappy because they cannot reach consent with the outside world. Psychologist Israel Charny believes that it all begins in childhood, but an adult personality is quite capable of developing the missing qualities.

There was still no sage in the world who could clearly explain why some people have been dependent on someone and need care, while others are emphasized and do not like to teach them, protect and give advice.

A person decides to be dependent or independent. From the point of view of political correctness, his behavior does not concern anyone exactly until he poses a threat or someone’s interests are touched. Meanwhile, the impaired balance of dependence and independence leads to serious distortions in relations with the outside world.

  • She is a harsh mother -in -law who does not have time for all sorts of tenderness and lingering. It seems to her that children will become as strong and independent as she, but some of them grow up evil and aggressive.
  • He is extremely cute and shy, so touchingly cares and waste exquisite compliments, but is not capable of anything in bed.
  • She does not need anyone. She was married and it was a nightmare, and now finally free, can change partners at least every day, but he will never get involved in a serious relationship. What else, she is not a slave!
  • He is a beloved obedient son, learns perfectly, always smiling and friendly, adults are not getting rid of. But the boy becomes a teenager, and then a man, and it is found that he is a miserable loser. How it happened? All because he is not able to stand up for himself in inevitable conflicts, does not know how to recognize mistakes and cope with shame, is afraid of any difficulties.

In the practice of mental disorders, both extremes are often found. Help is required not only by passive and non -self -personality, which is easy to influence and manipulation. In power and hard people who go ahead of life and declare that they do not need a draw of care and love, personal disorders are no less often diagnosed.

Psychotherapists who are sacredly convinced that we must concentrate only on the feelings of patients and gradually bring them to understanding and accepting themselves, do not affect the deep experiences. In short, the essence of this concept is that people are like it, and the mission of a psychotherapist is to sympathize, support, encourage, but not try to change the main type of personality.

But there are specialists who think differently. We all need to be dependent to be loved and supported, but at the same time remain independent in order to courageously meet failures. The problem of dependence and independence remains relevant all her life, starting from infancy. Children who are so spoiled by parental care that even at a conscious age they do not know how to fall asleep in their bed or use the toilet on their own, as a rule, grow helpless and incapable to resist the blows of fate.

On the other hand, adults who refuse to accept help, even when they get sick or get into trouble, doom themselves into bitter loneliness, emotional and physical. I saw how severe patients drove away the medical staff because they could not allow anyone to take care of them.

Great if a healthy dependence is harmoniously combined with independence. The love game, in which both are ready to capture each other’s desires, alternately become powerful, then humble, give and accept caresses, balancing between their dependent and independent sides, brings incomparably greater pleasure.

At the same time, the most common opinion that the highest happiness of a man or woman is a trouble -free partner who is ready to have sex in the first call is greatly exaggerated. This is the path to boredom and alienation, not to mention the fact that the one who is imposed on the status of a “meek artist” falls into a vicious circle of burning shame and feels a slave.

When they ask me what to do if children grow too http://lipariluigi.de/2023/02/18/maksim-krippa-i-mir-futbola-golos-karpat-162/ spineless or obstinate, I reply that everything is in the hands of parents. Noticing that in the behavior of the child certain signs prevail, we must thoroughly think about how to instill in him the missing qualities.

When married couples come, I also try to convey that they can influence each other. If one of them is weak and indecisive, the second helps him believe in himself and become stronger. And vice versa, a softer partner is able to restrain the ambitions of the second and, if necessary, show a hardness of character.

A special topic – relations at work. So many people are absolutely unhappy due to the fact that every day they regularly perform the same thing, cursing the leaders and the system in which they work. Yes, it is not easy to earn a living, and not everyone is given to do what you like. But those who are free in choosing a profession, I ask: how much can be sacrificed in order to maintain work?

The same applies to relations with different organizations and public services. Suppose you need medical care and miraculously manages to get to the famous Light, but it turns out to be arrogant rude and communicates in an offensive manner. You will endure, because you want to get an expert consultation, or give a worthy rebuff?

Or, say, the tax department requires paying an unthinkable amount, and threatens a lawsuit and other sanctions? You will fight injustice or immediately give up and obey unreasonable requirements to avoid further problems?

Once I had to treat the famous scientist whose government medical insurance covered the costs of psychotherapy with a clinical psychologist, provided that this was recommended by a psychiatrist or neurosurgeon. This patient directed me “just” a neurologist and the insurance company refused to pay.

Common sense told us both that the pick -up is unfair. I advised the patient (by the way, an extremely passive person) to defend his rights and promised to fight with him: do everything possible, take advantage of professional authority, call and write everywhere, submit an application to the insurance arbitration commission, anything. Moreover, I assured that I would not demand compensation from him over my time – I myself was outraged by the behavior of the insurers. And only in the case of his victory I will be glad if he considers it necessary to pay me a fee for all the hours spent on his support.

He fought like a lion and during the trial became more confident, to our mutual pleasure. He won and achieved insurance payment, and I received a well -deserved reward. The bestest thing, it was not only his victory. After this incident, the insurance policy against all public servants of the United States changed: neurologists have included in medical policies.

What a wonderful goal: to be gentle and tough, to love and be loved, accept help and adequately recognize your dependence, and at the same time remain independent and help others.

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